Category: Personal Thoughts


. . . I know it’s been a while . . .

. . . . . . so much has happened during the last year . . . and that most of these experiences and feelings are culminating in trying to clarify my direction for the future is no easy task.

Sometimes . . . when trying to stay positive;  which – as we all know – is the “preferred” state of being;  it’s easy to sweep  some of the negative stuff under the rug . . .

. . . at some point, however, you will have to remove the rug to get rid of all that dusty crap!

Such is how I am experiencing these few remaining days  before my 60th birthday.

Having been born on the Summer Solstice is not an easy date for being born. In fact, in one book that I read (and later discarded) said that being born on this day was especially unfortunate.  Some days, especially during the last year, I’ve felt this just might be true.

Overall, however, I find that I have indeed been blessed in so many different ways.

I am so fortunate to still have parents to go home too after all these years.  I wish I had more to give them at this stag of my life.  Without them, I really do not know where I might be right at this moment.

I have a roof over my head . . . and am hopeful for the future – more or less.

It’s hard staring over at this age. With practically nothing.

Severely lacking in self confidence does not help . . . and though I do have a lot of confidence in my knowledge and abilities . . . this self confidence was not nurtured as frequently as it could have been in the last 30 years or so . . .  even to the point of questioning if I had ever had my self confidence really nurtured – at all.

Trying to overcome this feeling of inadequacy has been the most difficult of all.

At this stage in life . . . no matter who or where you are – you feel a need to access  the past  60 years of your life.  If you’re fortunate . . . life is a bed of roses . . . no worries . . .

. . .  but that has not been my fate thus far . . . but,  then . . .

I’m only 60 . . . lol . . . , almost . . .

 to be continued . . .

The beauty of a blog that nobody reads is that I can pretty much put it all out there . . . to the Universe . . . with some – a few – witnesses . . . and I am grateful to all those who do subscribe . . .  thank you for listening.

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Here I am . . .

Doesn’t seem like its been that long since I last posted.  Yet, so much has happened in these past 2 weeks that is most definitely changing my life forever.

No longer in Florida, I sit tonight in my new home . . .  my Dad’s work shed, converted into a rather large studio apartment.

The trials and tribulations of packing all my worldly goods . . . moving them . . . unloading and now unpacking them has been an adventure . . . to say the very least.  Regardless of the size, 14 years of amassing much of the many things I love . . . is now filling the space up . . . and . . . for most part –  in the most delightful way!

To add to the chaos of the adventure . . . getting to really know my Dad does provide some of life’s real tests.

I know that, as a woman . . . over the years , we begin to not only understand our mother’s more, but we see a lot of her in ourselves. Sometimes it frightens us, yet . . . there is a comfort in knowing that what we discover in  ourselves comes from a source that loves us.

I’m not sure all of us see that same perspective from our fathers.  Maybe it’s just me . . . but I do see a lot of myself when I watch my Dad do all that he has the past week.  Getting older now, I can see the frailty of age on the most vigorous man I’ve ever known. A vigor still very much alive.

Understanding more fully my connection to my parents has been a deeply spiritual awakening.

It’s hard to believe I’ve only been here a week.  In many ways . . . it seems like I never left.

Coming home.

Nothing has gone as planned.  Not that I had really planned anything . . . but certainly not expecting what I’m in the midst of!  So far, its been a Murphy’s Law adventure . . . and most everything that could go wrong has . . . but,  at this stage in life, I’m just going with the flow.  Changing the things I can, accepting the things I can’t.

Early on in this dilemma . . . I could see that all this was in answer my prayers. Do I like how the universe responded . . . no, not really . . . but this was probably the quickest, surest way to bring about the necessary changes my life needed. So I accept it knowing that what lies before me is indeed far greater than what I’ve left behind.

Hopefully I will exceed my greatest expectations.

Time . . . and patience . . . will tell.

Writing is a pleasure for me. Most of the time I have so much rolling around in my head that its hard to stay focused. Writing helps me focus.

I’m a very private person . . . and to me, my conversations with God are between me and my Creator. Since I began writing out my prayers . . . I have found that I can more easily express what my heart has to say . . . and I can remember the conversation.

But tonight . . . I’m sharing my wishing moon prayer . . . I don’t know why . . . but I have a strong feeling I’m suppose to.

October 13, 2012

Dear Lord ,

I thank you for this day and for helping for me accomplish all that I have done to release me from my old life, in preparation for my future.  Guided by your love, I know that what is ahead of me is far greater than that which I am leaving behind. Open my heart and guide me with your wisdom . . . so that I may share all that you’ve shown me of your creation and how deeply important all of it is to the happiness of all mankind. Help me to understand more fully my connection to our mother Earth . . . from which you formed each and every being that dwells upon it.  On this night, one of my wishes is that I will be able to touch the lives of others with your ancient wisdom  and their hearts will be open to the spiritual force you have imbued within every thing.  Help me also to remember this and understand more fully.  As new people enter my life, I wish for you to bless them with your love and guide me to do the same.  Open my heart to those who oppose me  . . . so that perhaps their hearts may open to your love.  Help me to respect the many different ways others come to you.  Bless too, my family. Watch over them and keep them safe from harm.  Bless them with an abundance of love, good health and good fortune.  Not knowing what the future will bring . . . I wish for your guidance in knowing what to do to sustain myself while living on mother earth . . . work that will have meaning, for myself and others.   I am so grateful for all that you’ve given me and for the wisdom you’ve shown me.  Thank you too for watching over me and keeping me safe from harm. May your love guide me all the days of my life.

Amen

Sometimes I miss them.

But tonight was the perfect night for lighting my little outdoor fire pit, and think about my future.  As I’m finishing packing for my move back home to North Carolina, tonight turned out to be a lovely opportunity to get inspired thinking of all the possibilities I have available for my new beginning.

As fate would have it, I was unable to photograph the event due to my camera lens locking up . . . a problem I did eventually find a solution for.  Not wanting to spoil the mood of my Gate of Inspiration meditation, my instincts told me to just enjoy the fire and think . . . and make a wish or two for the future.  Being able to talk with God . . . the Universe’s Life Force . . . can be a wondrous thing . . .

Along the way on my spiritual journey, I learned of a special time of  year  when the universe gives us a little window of time . . . an opening . . . a gate on which to meditate on what inspires us.  Found on Steve Nelson’s website Gaia Astrology ,  I’ve come to enjoy reading his moon magic section.  On the topic of the Gate of Inspiration . . . he has this to say:

Gate of Inspiration, Oct 12-13 (6:40 pm – 6:40 pm) – Dance and Be Free

“A Muse Gate opens every 40 days, 9 each year. The witch queen Cerridwen stirs her caldron for a year and day to brew the “greal” of  Inspiration. Nine maidens alternate their breaths to keep the magic fire burning, each maiden is a Muse. Whatever is blocking energy flow comes before the Gate to be let go. This is a time to release body tensions that hold old ways of thinking and feeling. Breathe deeply and move freely (dance!) to shed the old and open to the special magic of this new time.”

Also being the time of a wishing moon, it felt like the most perfect time to think of and wish for what’s possible ahead of me while asking for help in letting go of the many fears and self-doubts I have.

As I connect more and more to the energies of mother earth . . . the more strengthened I am . . . even though my once lovely garden is now overgrown with weeds . . . it welcomed me on this, one of my final evenings here at my home of the past 14 years.   The frogs . . . who have been silent now for many weeks . . . began croaking again . . . earlier, before sunset . . . several birds had gathered on the wire overlooking the garden . . . a lovely amber-colored butterfly  flew out of the flowers while some of the birds sang . . . yes, this would be a perfect night for expressing my appreciation for teaching me so much during the past three years while encouraging me to continue, at my new home.

Preparing my fire pit for an evening’s festivity is one of my favorite things to do.  I still have some small branches from last year’s Yule tree . . . I savor them during my fires at special times throughout the year. Many other dried herbs and flowers that I’ve saved go into it as special offerings of thanks for the beauty they brought into my life as well as to draw more positive or release negative energies of one variety or another.   I have an old stool without a seat, that I use to set the pit on while I load it with these garden treasures . . . and it is quite beautiful to me, even unlit.

It always amazes me how the wind responds to me in the garden.  I’ve had times when I thought surely it would be too windy for a fire . . . and then, the moment I step into  the circle . . . and light the fire, it calms.  Even more wondrous is when, after asking a question . . . a short gust will blow, as if answering my request.

Magical moments.  Spiritual moments.

While there is not much I will miss here in Florida . . . losing my garden is my greatest sorrow.  I’ve spent many magical moments there . . . and I want to carry those lovely memories with me to my next.

Having many very long branches from trees I pruned early in the spring, now dry enough to burn . . . I placed them around the pit . . . letting the tips burn . . . then pushing it into the fire to keep it going.  Just before coming in for the night . . . I took them out and let the tips cool. I’ll use them again tomorrow and will bring the ends with me for the fire I’ll prepare to dedicate the space for the new garden I will soon be working on . . .

Inspired by the hope of a brighter tomorrow . . . the fire blazed strong and clear.  A good sign.

Leaving behind the troubles of the past . . . and heading toward a new uncharted future is both exciting and terrifying.  On this night, however . . . I am comforted in knowing that this end, while not how I imagined it would be . . . was an answer to my many prayers.

I am grateful.

I guess being a moon child, born into the sign of Cancer, makes me more sensitive to its phases.

I find that I am inspired by the moon. I sometimes don’t understand why others aren’t. Especially other women.

If it is true “there are no coincidences”, then the fact that a woman’s cycle follows that of the moon was, perhaps,  in some sort of divine plan.

Crescent New Moon April 23 2012

I like believing that.

Perhaps that’s why I find the moon the perfect focus point for meditation, prayer, whatever . . .

I must say I’m having a lovely moment on my journey.

I hope you are too.

Blessings,

Judy

Night in the Garden . . . April 1, 2012

Today, I’m tidying up the garden in preparation for my night in the garden. I’ll be writing more later but felt the urge to send this out into my universe early

Tonight we’ll be able to see the first signs of the new moon’s waxing crescent. A time for planting the seeds of thought for our new ideas and projects. Great night to meditate.

One of my favorite web-sites is Gaia Astrology. You won’t find your daily horoscope there, but you’ll find some useful monthly timing information. Like this:

Crescent New Moon, Apr 22 -27 – Time to Sow

It’s time to bring forward what we wish to be realized. Farmers plant seeds when the crescent appears, seeds are fertile on every level. Moon magic is strongest Sunset to Moonset when the Moon is in the 7th House. Meditation now opens doorways, wishes take wing and prayers bring blessings for this Moon and year. Crescent Moon with Jupiter and Venus brings abundance and love. Whatever we plant in our inner garden grows and flowers for many Moons. All new beginnings are favored.

Steve Nelson is the writer and offers an interesting astrological perspective for all to ponder.

Enjoy.

How fortunate.

I thought there would be of thunderstorms. As it turns out . . . the chance, according to TWC on the web, only 10% chance of rain.

I so enjoy my fire-side chats with Spirit  under a full moon.

Tonight it seems as if I’m playing peek-a-boo with Mother Moon, with all the cloud cover and gentle wind.

Tonight, the first night waning after yesterdays full moon . . . the first full moon of the new zodiacal year . . the time to certainly thank our Creative Source for the bounty we have in our lives.

Tonight, however, is a night for letting go. By the fire I sit. Thinking.

Thinking of the things I need to release, let go . . . all those things which hinder me.

Into your hands Great Spirit.

May Your sunrise bring peace, love and freedom to all mankind.

Namaste.

 

I don’t write in this blog often . . . but when I do, I have something to say that will hopefully carry me onto the next leg of the journey.

Here we are, the 1st of April still feeling the charge of Aries pushing us into a new yearly cycle.  I’m sitting in my garden, with new things sprouting up all around me and enjoying the fruits of my labor of the past three months.

Last year I didn’t spend much time in it. I kept busy making mushroom ornaments and garlands. Besides, last year, here in Florida we went from extreme cold to extreme hot overnight. There were no mornings of cool to get a lot of work done.

This year, however, was perfect. Cold in January and February, but not so cold that a good bit of hard work wouldn’t warm you up comfortably. March too, though toward the end it was beginning to show signs of summer. Even now, at 8:47 pm, it’s almost too hot to have a fire, but the temp is starting to drop and a I’m starting to feel cozy.

I love my little make-shift fire-pit . . . made from the lid of an old kettle type bar-b-que grill. It’s perfect for those new and full moons when the weather is cool and dry.

My garden is my sanctuary. It’s my place of refuge, my safe-haven. This year, I have a new lap-top thanks to my husband, and a very long extension cord. No longer tethered to my desktop,  its a glorious place to sit and ponder life in this universe.

This year Spirit, working through two friends, has encouraged me to broaden my horizons a bit. I do admit that I am a happy hermit . . . happy to be alone with my own thoughts about my spiritual path. While I do enjoy the company of others, I often find that the beat of my drum is a lot different that other folks. So I’m content beating my drum as I please.

Metaphorically speaking that is.

I live in a suburban environment where my prayers are not said aloud in my garden . . . there are ears all around. And my prayers are between me and Spirit. The last 2 times I’ve tried to play music aloud in my garden was met with the neighbors behind me bringing out their music system and blasting me away.  With music that wouldn’t soothe a savage beast.

So, the ipod it is. Though I must admit, it would be nice to have a background of music when my friends come over.

Would love to start a drum circle, but I don’t think that would go over so well.

Anyway . . . back to broadening my horizons.

My friends, who are interested in all the same things as me, have encouraged me to share some of the things I know about.  Based on some of the classes they’ve taken at a local metaphysical shop, they feel that I know so much more.

I hesitate as I do not consider myself an authority on anything. Everything I do, or know, is really just reading and researching and applying adaptations of different approaches to my own personal spiritual practice.  Doing what feels right for me.

Last night, I happened across this question and instruction in a lunar report from one of my favorite astrology websites:

“Do you have a short written statement about the chief purpose of your life? It is time to read your statement. Write it, read it, and put it inside your wallet. Stay focused on what’s important to you.”

Being in a waxing moon period, and thinking about creating a series of classes I could possibly instruct, I thought that it was a good time to stop and think about this. To clarify my intention of purpose.

I’ve done many things in my life, but at my age, starting anew in any one of them has proved to be contrary to what the universe wants me to do – apparently!  We won’t go there . . . we’ll just move forward to what I’m supposed to do now. . .

So, here it is:

My Brief Written Statement about the chief purpose of my life:

“I am here to share that which I’ve learned about how to have a practical, magical, spiritual life and how to connect in an individual way to the bountiful energy of the Creator of all-that-is.”

I still can’t believe I said that! It is just as powerful for me today as when I wrote it last night. My greatest fear is that I am somewhat lacking in what I know . . . I know only what’s right for me. Can I somehow convey this to others in a broad enough scope?

I know that while I’ve come far on this journey . . . others are just beginning, or are  just as befuddled as I was in the beginning.  There are just so many different spiritual paths and practices within the metaphysical realm that it is sometimes overwhelming to find what feels right.

It would be nice however,  to share what I have learned with the hope that it may help others feel closer to Spirit.

In many ways, it does feel right.

At the age of 57 I’ve learned much on this journey of my own, deeply personal, spiritual path and continue to welcome new discoveries along the way.

These intense personal revelations seem to occur most often just after visiting my family in North Carolina. Home, I’ve learned, is where we must confront and clarify our past with our currents beliefs.

Having taken an alternate approach to my relationship with God – my Creator, and having to confront the beliefs of my family in a most sensitive way causes a deep reflection into where I’ve come from and where I’m going. After all, what we come to believe as truth is based on the sum total of all our experiences.

One of the most profound lessons – or revelations – I received from my recent trip was the understanding that the world is consumed by fear. Fear imposed from the many different belief systems that exist.  From the pulpit to the late night news, we are globally bombarded with reasons to be fearful. TV shows spew it forth as if candy, ready to be devoured. Yet it is the poison that produces the stress and unhappiness so many people feel.

I am grateful that I am no longer fearful, for the most part. If all the claims of doom are correct, there is really nothing I, alone, can do about it.  There is probably nothing anyone can do, even as a group. (Though I do entertain hope that may be possible.) Yet I am comforted by my belief that life on this earth is just one – hopefully – very long  experience, and that it will continue in another form when this existence ceases.  All one can do is live your life according to the principles you believe in and ultimately treat others as you, yourself want to be treated.

I pondered the question and then the answer of Eckhart Tolle, “What is the opposite of death?” When I’ve asked people this question, most reply quite simply “life”. Yet, when you consider that birth is really the opposite of death, you begin to see life as a state of consciousness, and personally,  I do not believe life dies. It is eternal. Always has been and always will be. We’re simply its temple made of stardust.

Yes, there are horrible ways to die. We fear them. For the most part, these most horrible experiences would not – could not – be imagined without us being  exposed to them in our visual media. How often have you thought to yourself : “How could someone _______.” – (you fill in the blank).

Unfortunately, these unthinkable acts of violence enters our psyche on a daily basis.  However, I find comfort in knowing that when our last breath is taken, we suffer no more the pains of this material existence. No matter what the final circumstances of our life may be.

Who we are, who we become and the experiences we encounter are in large part based on the things we fear.

When you choose to accept those things you cannot change, changing those you can – teaches the wisdom which allows you to live according to your own understanding or belief in the positive nature of God and His/Her Universe.

If you believe in the possibility of the law of attraction, then you can see where living a life consumed with fear can bring you situations you hope to never dream of, and – most importantly – do not desire. Sadly, fear often lies hidden underneath our conscious perceptions.

One of the truths I learned in my youth is from a biblical scripture in which our Creator says:  “Fear not, I am always with you”. Our choice is to believe it or not.

Trust. The ultimate act of faith is trust. Didn’t our childhood lesson of Doubting Thomas teach us that? “Ask and you shall receive.” Believing that – without doubt – is perhaps the most difficult exercise of faith we’ve been given.

Therein – perhaps – lies the nature of my discovery. The admonition to “be no part of this world” could very well be to not allow myself to live my life in the uncertainty of fear. To trust in my Creative Source as my Creator and protector.

The peace which comes with relinquishing fear is a precious gift. A gift I hope for and wish for everyone.

daisyI woke up this morning renewed in a way I didn’t think possible for a long time.

Since finding Word Press, my creative juices have started to flow once again. I have so many interests, that some times getting started is the most difficult hurdle.

At this stage in my life, I have a lot of experience as well as a lot of experiences. I’ve been a photographer, a writer, a graphic designer, a publisher, a digital media designer, a jewelry designer and an artist. For the past 20+ years I’ve also been, primarily – a MOM.

After graduating a few years ago with a degree in digital media design, in an over-saturated market full of other graduates old enough to be my children – finding a job has been a dismal pursuit.

As many creative types are, I can be easily discouraged. And that is an affliction that has permeated the very core of my being for many years.

Trying my best to overcome this self imposed impasse led me to looking at life in a new way.

I found and purchased the movie “The Law of Attraction” before it was a hot topic on Oprah. And yes, I participated in every one of Eckhart Tolle and Oprah’s “A New Earth” Monday night webinars.

Yet, no matter much how I accepted and lived in the moment, focused only on the things I wanted and how positive I lived each day – it seemed that the Universe just kept slapping me in the face.

Every job I applied for – no matter how menial, didn’t result in employment. As the economy plummeted so did retail sales. So the yearly bonus my husband and I had always looked forward to vanished.

If the Universe is so abundant why are we suffering so profusely? Why am I being denied?

In spite of my admission to having those feelings, I still remained positive and hopeful. Even when I experienced a few negative flashes as unanticipated problems transpired, I would breathe deep and release any tension.

After discovering Word Press and the adventure of blogging, I now felt I had an outlet to share my voice, even if no one else was listening. My passion for writing has now been rekindled. Being a “stay-at-home” unemployed mom, with a husband who doesn’t want to talk after a full day of dealing with complaints, leaves you with no outlet to share personal thoughts.

We relocated to Florida years ago. The eternal possibility (and promises) of promotion and relocation in a “couple” of years left few chances to develop new and lasting friendships. I am basically a hermit, and sharing personal thoughts with people I don’t know doesn’t come easily to me. My neighbors like to “talk amongst themselves”, and I prefer to keep my personal business to myself. You understand.

With my background in graphic design and publishing, it was only natural that I add visual elements to my blogs. Over the past few years, when trying to create jewelry and a website, I had purchased some reasonably priced stock photo images to incorporate into my site as well as my personal logo. Over the years, I kept seeing a spot on their website to upload images. With my self image and self-confidence continuing to errode, I never once thought that my work would be good enough to be accepted. Even though my instructors told me I had a killer portfolio, continually being passed over for jobs causes one to question their own self-worth. However, I’ve always been very proud of my creative art skills. If no one else liked my work, I did.

As I was looking at the many different images on the Dreamstime website, especially the free ones – I kept thinking, I have images that are as good as these – maybe even better.

So I got to thinking of some of the images I had created that other people might be able to use to add visual punch to their blogs or graphic design campaigns.

One of the major “projects” that has been on my eternal list of things to do has been to organize the content of my overwhelming collection of CD’s. I have redundant copies of a lot of creative digital media projects that I have put off organizing as it only seemed to ignite my feelings of unworthiness.

Yesterday, I started looking at some of the images I had created – which led me to begin the organizing project. Not easy, as I have stacks of CD’s that have to each be loaded and reviewed to find all the images. Took me all day. So far I’ve found about 3 gigabytes. And I’m not finished yet!

I’ve uploaded a few to see if they’ll be accepted. Won’t know till about Thursday, but I am hopeful. Which is a wonderful place to be.

Hopeful.

People tell me we are always where we are suppose to be and doing exactly what we are meant to be doing at any moment in time. That the Universe is guiding us along a path that offers us many lessons. While I’ve always believed that to be true, I must admit I have questioned why the Universe has taken me down such a rocky road. A dry rocky road.

But I think I am beginning to see a lovely green meadow just ahead.

I just hope it’s not a mirage.

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